What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Child

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The death of a child is tragic. If you have never experienced this type of loss, it can be extremely difficult to know what to say.

It is natural for friends of grieving parents to want to help, yet struggle to find the right words. What you say, and what you don't say, can affect someone in need.

This article will discuss ways to talk to someone who has lost a child. It will also provide suggestions on what to say and what not to say to grieving parents.

Unrecognizable young woman holding hands of another woman.

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What to Say to a Grieving Parent

Parents who have lost a child want to feel supported in their grief. They want permission to grieve in their own way.

Grieving parents, at times, need to feel like their child's short life was impactful. They want to know their child meant something to others who knew and loved them. You can meet these needs in the following ways:

  • Offer sincere condolence. "I am so sorry for your loss" is a good example.
  • Remind them that they’re not alone. Grief can be isolating. Let the grieving parent know that you are available whenever they need a shoulder to cry on.
  • Be honest when you don’t know what to say. They will understand. Oftentimes, your presence is enough.
  • Offer silence. Don't feel like you need to fill the empty silence. Get comfortable with silence. It can be enough to just be physically present with the grieving parents.
  • Offer open-ended and detailed support. "Please let me know what I can do, I'm willing to help in any way. Would you like me to drop off dinners this week?" More detail may be more helpful.
  • Let them know that no one blames them. Some parents feel guilty and blame themselves for their child’s death. Self-blame is a common experience for parents who have lost a child, but it's rarely justified. Assure the grieving parent that nobody blames or judges them, and that you see just how much care they gave their child.
  • It's OK to show emotion. People like to know that their emotion is natural and when others are saddened as well; it provides validation that they are feeling appropriate emotions.
  • Follow the parent's direction. If they are religious and want to head in that direction, let them and follow along. If they want you to listen, do so. If they want you to talk, ask what would be helpful to fill the space in that moment. Expect these needs to change from day to day.
  • When the time is right, express what the deceased child meant to you. This might not be appropriate just after the child's death. When the time is right, it can be meaningful to the parent to hear you talk about what the deceased child meant to you. You can also share a favorite memory to make it more personal.

What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Son

If the grieving parent has lost a son, here are some examples of what you can write or say to them:

  • Jake had the most vibrant spirit and will be missed by all of us forever. I feel immensely grateful to have met him. I am here for you any time you want or need a friend. I love you so much.
  • Jake was such a unique boy. He had a heart of gold that was, undoubtedly, a testament of your love and care for him. Know that I am here for you any time you call. If you are comfortable with it, may I bring you dinner this week?
  • Jake had the most extraordinary soul. He was a blessing in all of our lives, and words cannot describe how greatly we will miss him. Please let me know if I can drive you around at any point. I would be happy to spend time with you and help out with your errands.

What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Daughter

For grieving parents who have lost a daughter, consider saying something like:

  • Sophie absolutely lit up the room. There will never be a day that I do not miss and think about her. I am here for you any time you need me. Are you going to church on Tuesday? I would love to go with you.
  • Sophie brought so much joy to all of our lives. When I think about her smile, I cannot help but smile myself. If you're up for it, I'd love to bring you dinner later this week.
  • Sophie had the gentlest soul. The love she had for animals inspires me to be a kinder person. Any time you need me, I will be there. I am only a call away.

What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Child Unexpectedly

Losing a child unexpectedly can be incredibly traumatizing. Here are some examples of what to say:

  • Nora had such a unique gift for making anyone laugh. I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling. She will be immeasurably missed and forever remembered. I am here if you need someone to listen.
  • You were a fantastic parent to Nora and she really looked up to you. I am so sorry you have to go through this, but you do not have to go through it alone. We would love to have you join us for Thanksgiving dinner, if you would be up for it.
  • I am so grateful to have met Nora and will never forget the sound of her sweet laughter. You were the most amazing parent to her, and I know she was so lucky to call you mom/dad as well. I love you and am here for you always.

What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Newborn

Losing a newborn child is one of the most heartbreaking experiences one can go through. In this scenario, you might say something like:

  • I am beyond sorry to hear about the loss of Connor. I know there are no words to ease your pain, but I want you to know that I will always be here for you. Let me know if you are comfortable with me coming over to help with laundry, walking the dogs, or something else. I will always find time for you.
  • I am so sorry you are going through this. What would be most helpful for you during this time? Please let me know how I can support you, and I will be there.

What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Child to Substances

When reaching out to someone who lost a child to substances, you don't need to address the cause of death. Simply express your condolences and offer support in a way that feels fitting. Here are examples:

  • I am incredibly sad and sorry to hear about the loss of Nicholas. I am here to support you during this time, whether it's lending a hand with errands or meeting up with you to talk. Don't hesitate to call me. I love you so much.
  • Nicholas had a beautiful spirit and was deeply loved by so many. Know that I am thinking about you and am here for you if you want to talk. If you're up for it, I would love to bring you dinner later this week.

What Do You Write in a Text to Someone Who Lost a Child?

You may feel more comfortable sending a text to a grieving parent if you are not particularly close with them. Text messages can be simple and short, but they should still be genuine.

It's best to avoid generic messages like, "I'm sorry for your loss." Try to personalize the text message with a personal connection to the child, and consider offering practical help where fitting.

Examples of what to write in a text to someone who lost a child include:

  • My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. The love and joy that Nina brought to those of us who knew her will never be forgotten. Is it okay if I check in with you over the coming days and weeks?
  • We were devastated to hear about the loss of your precious daughter, Nina. She was a ray of light in this world and will be greatly missed by so many. No need to reply, I just want you to know that my whole heart is with you. I am available for you anytime you need to talk.

What Do You Write in a Sympathy Card?

Sympathy cards can be as long or as short as you would like them to be. In either case, try to keep your message personal. If you don't have memories of the deceased child, don't fill the space with impersonal fluff. Simply let the grieving parent know you are thinking of them and share the grief of their loss.

Examples of what to write in a sympathy card include:

  • The loss of a child is a pain that no words or actions can heal. Jake's light touched so many lives and will continue to shine in our memories. Please know that I am here to support you in any way I can.
  • During this time of profound grief, may you find comfort in the love and memories you shared with Jake. His spirit lives on in the hearts of all those he touched. I love you so much and am here for you always.

What Not to Say to a Grieving Parent

What you don't say can be just as important as what you do say.

  • Don't say you know how the bereaved parent feels, or the opposite—that it's so awful that you can't imagine it.
  • Avoid saying, "It must have been for the best" or "It was God's will." You cannot make sense of loss in these ways. These kinds of statements can make the parents feel like you're minimizing their child's death.
  • Avoid saying the child is in a better place. This is unlikely to provide comfort to grieving parents, who are already suffering. Even if the parents believe this conceptually, they will have already thought about it, and hearing it from others is likely unnecessary.
  • Don't trivialize the parents' story by telling one of your own. This is their time to grieve. Keep the focus on them. But if the parent wants you to share about your journey, follow their lead —it may be helpful for them to know that they will be able to heal with time.
  • Don't emphasize a timeline or the stages of grief, even though knowing these stages can be helpful to some people as they process grief. Don't expect people's grief to follow a formula or move through predictable stages. It may be enough to remind them that healing takes time.

As a general rule, avoid talking about meaning or trying to make things better. Accept the fact that you may feel awkward and helpless. Most mistakes happen because you aren't prepared and you say things to try and hide or overcome these normal feelings.

Additional Ways to Support a Grieving Parent

Aside from words, grieving parents often need other forms of support that you can provide, such as:

  • Cooking meals or bringing them food
  • Offering to run errands for them
  • Helping with their domestic chores, like walking the dog or watching children
  • Attending church or other religious ceremonies with them
  • Helping them plan the funeral
  • Inviting them to outings or other activities if they feel up for it
  • Ensuring they are never alone on holidays

Keep in mind that every person grieves differently. Some people cope with grief by keeping busy. Take care to offer your help, but never force a grieving person to accept it.

Summary

It can be hard to find the right words to say to someone who has lost a child. The best way to support someone is to offer sincere condolence and open-ended support. 

What you don't say can be just as important as what you do say. Don't try to make sense of the child's death or intellectualize it.

No one gets over the death of a child. The best you can do is support the grieving parent while they adjust to their loss. 

1 Source
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Gijzen S, L’Hoir MP, Boere-Boonekamp MM, Need A. How do parents experience support after the death of their child? BMC Pediatr. 2016;16:204. doi:10.1186/s12887-016-0749-9

Angela Morrow

By Angela Morrow, RN
Angela Morrow, RN, BSN, CHPN, is a certified hospice and palliative care nurse.