How to Cope With Grief

Table of Contents
View All
Table of Contents

Grief is a journey you must go through after the loss of a loved one. The journey can differ from one person to the next, with some people taking longer to find their way out of their grief than others.

What is most important is to recognize and acknowledge your grief. By allowing yourself to grieve with the proper support and insights, you can find ways to cope as you gradually heal.

This article explains what grief is, including the stages and types of grief. It also offers tips on how to take yourself during the grieving process and when it's time to seek professional support.

adult woman resting head on senior father's shoulder
Tomas Rodriguez / Picture Press / Getty Images

What Is Grief?

Grief is the anguish you feel after a significant loss, usually the death of a loved one. It is characterized by mourning (public displays of grief) and bereavement (the emotions that arise when facing a loss).

These symptoms of grief can manifest in many different ways, some of which may alternate, co-occur, or even contradict each other. There is no fixed pattern.

While some people may tell you that "grief will pass," this minimizes how extreme and debilitating the grief can become. Intense grief can sometimes turn severe, leading to self-neglect, chronic sorrow, and even suicidal thoughts and actions.

Grief can also arise when regretting something material that you've lost, feeling remorse for something you've done, or experiencing deep sorrow for something that has happened to you.

Stages of Grief

Grief occurs in stages, but the stages aren't necessarily linear. You can go back and forth, and it may take time to get to where you can accept the loss.

There are several models of grief, some of which have four stages and others that have as many as seven. Even so, they share similar principles and characteristics.

The seven stages of grief loosely founded on the Kubler-Ross stages of dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) suggest that grief progresses as follows:

  • Shock and denial: These are feelings of overwhelming numbness and disbelief.
  • Pain and guilt: You feel that your grief is making other people's lives difficult even when the pain is unbearable to you.
  • Anger and bargaining: You alternately lash out at others (including the one you lost) and appeal to a higher power to change what cannot be changed.
  • Depression: You isolate yourself and feel little joy about things that used to bring you joy or a sense of purpose.
  • The upward turn: Anger, pain, and guilt start to subside and you feel calmer and better able to manage everyday life.
  • Reconstruction: You start reassessing your life and past and look at what your future might bring.
  • Acceptance and hope: You accept that you can't change the loss but can still carry on to a new future.

Types of Grief

In the same way that there are many causes of grief, there are different types of grief a person can experience:

  • Normal or common grief: This follows the normal pattern of grief. Anywhere from 50% to 85% of people will experience normal grief after a loss, with most reaching a place of acceptance within one to two years.
  • Minimal grief: You reach a place of acceptance, often without overt mourning or bereavement, in a shorter period. Roughly 15% of people experience minimal grief, a response that is associated more with emotional resilience than "uncaring."
  • Inhibited or absent grief: A person shows little evidence of distress, anger, yearning, or other characteristics of normal grief.
  • Delayed grief: You first experience denial of grief, only to experience grief weeks, months, or even years later.
  • Chronic or prolonged grief: This is an enduring pattern of grief. It is seen commonly in people with poor coping skills and pre-existing depression. Around 7% of people may experience prolonged grief after a loss.
  • Distorted grief: Symptoms of grief do not adhere to an expected pattern. It is characterized by extreme, erratic, or disruptive behaviors, often in people with underlying mental health issues.
  • Anticipatory grief: You experience bereavement even before a person has died. It is a normal response often seen in caregivers who as watch as their loved one slowly dies.

Symptoms of Grief

Symptoms of grief can vary, and there is generally no right or wrong way to experience it (other than what might be expected culturally). The symptoms can fluctuate with many ups and downs.

Symptoms of normal grief include:

  • Sadness and despair
  • Anger
  • Depression
  • Fatigue
  • Anxiety
  • Yearning
  • Inability to focus
  • Being easily overwhelmed
  • Obsessive dwelling on the past
  • Suddenly feelings of panic
  • Numbness or feeling "out of your body"
  • Feelings of regret or guilt about the past
  • Apprehension about the future

Complicated grief, including chronic or distorted grief, may involve:

  • The inability to accept the death of a loved one
  • Intense sadness or bitterness that continues for years
  • Feeling as though part of you has died
  • Feeling that life has no meaning
  • An inability to plan for the future
  • An inability to be around anything or anyone who reminds your loss
  • A pattern of viciousness or lashing out followed by remorse

Coping With Grief

Everyone grieves differently, but certain things can usually help when you are making your way through the process:

  1. Seek and accept support: You cannot travel this path alone. You need the support and care of others. Call on a trusted family member or friend, church clergy, or professional counselors. Call your local hospice agency or community grief center for advice to get you started.
  2. Accept your grief: Don't try to run and hide from your grief. You need to experience the pain and sorrow to be able to move past it and on toward healing.
  3. Find role models: Discover how others have coped with loss before you. This will provide you with a model to base your healing on and remind you that you are not alone. Read books on grief and meet others who have worked through grief at support groups.
  4. Learn about grief: The more you know about grief and dispel the myths surrounding it, the more you will realize that your grief is normal. You also might discover warning signs that your grief is complicated and that you need more help to cope.
  5. Express your grief: Cry, scream, and yell if you need to. Or, express your feelings through music, art, poetry, or journaling. Whether you express your grief with a safe person or let it out in privacy, expressing your feelings is the only true way to honor your grief and begin to work through it.
  6. Accept your feelings: Grief can bring many different feelings to the surface—some very intense. Acknowledge these feelings and accept them as part of the natural grieving process. Don't hold in anger, sadness, or longing. These are important feelings that, once expressed, help you heal.
  7. Pace yourself: Grief can be exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to feel so intensely. Allow yourself plenty of time to do everyday activities and don't over-schedule yourself. Rest when you need to and offer yourself some grace.
  8. Get involved in something: Getting involved in work or some other activity you enjoy can keep you focused and offer a welcome distraction from your grief. If that activity is especially meaningful or helpful to others, you might find it also raises your spirits.
  9. Have a little fun: Sometimes grieving people won't allow themselves to have any fun—as if sharing a laugh with someone is somehow dishonoring the memory of their loved one. Laughter is excellent medicine. A great way to have some genuine fun is to surround yourself with children or animals.
  10. Keep the faith: Remember that intense grief doesn't last forever. One of my favorite sayings goes, Faith is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to go on when fear is present. Keep the faith that you will one day heal and be whole again.

When to Call for Help

Support from friends and family is essential to healing from grief, but there are times when you may need professional counseling or therapy when you are unable to cope. Signs include:

  • Excessive alcohol or drug use
  • Feelings of sadness you cannot shake
  • Inability to sleep or function in daily life
  • Not showing up for work or family responsibilities
  • Reckless behaviors and unnecessary risk-taking
  • Doing things that can harm your health (such as stopping chronic medications)

If you have suicidal thoughts, seek immediate care by calling or texting the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988, available 24 hours a day. They can give you support and refer you to local services and providers who can help. You are not alone.


Summary

Grief is the anguish you feel after the loss of a loved one. It is a normal human response that tends to follow a similar pattern, taking you from feelings of numbness and shock to acceptance and hope.

With the appropriate support, most people move to a place of acceptance within one to two years. If you are unable to cope and can't get past feelings of distress, anxiety, or depression, consider speaking with a professional therapist or counselor.

4 Sources
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. American Cancer Society. Grief, bereavement, and coping with loss (PDQ): health professional version.

  2. American Psychological Association. Grief.

  3. Hamilton IJ. Understanding grief and bereavement. Br J Gen Pract. 2016 Oct;66(651):523. doi:10.3399/bjgp16X687325

  4. American Psychiatric Association. Prolonged grief disorder.

By Angela Morrow, RN
Angela Morrow, RN, BSN, CHPN, is a certified hospice and palliative care nurse.