Readers Respond: Being With the Dying

What have you done to make being with a dying person more meaningful. Are there things you say or try not to say or maybe actions you've taken to bridge the gap in communication? If you've found a way to overcome some of the anxiety of being with a dying person, share what's worked for you with other readers.

My experience with my dying lover.

I am glad to say i did all i could for my partner. In that last hour i told how much I loved him and held his hand as he took his last breath. I to this day think of this special moment. I was able to give some last minute pain medications that seem to calm him down as he was going thorough terminal agitation. I stop what I was doing and gave him my full attention. Before my partner took his finale breath he stopped and looked directly at me as he crossed over to the other side. It was truely and unbelievable experience that will stay with me forever.

—Guest Saying Good bye

Hold their hand and talk to them

My father died 1-week ago at the age of 89 in hospice. I had the privilege of caring for him in my parents home several weeks before he died - bathing him - feeding him - talking to him. His last 4-days on earth were spent in a beautiful hospice surrounded by most of his children and our mother. We held his hand, spoke to him, kissed him, and told him that we loved him. He was aware that his wife and children were present and spoke their names. We arrived at hospice at 8am on the day of his death - dad died at about 7:30pm. His never opened his eyes on the day he died. We all sat around his bed - prayed the rosary - read from the bible - hugged him - kissed him - held his hand - expressed our love for him - and cried many tears. We were with him when he took his last breath. I find tremendous comfort that dad was surrounded by his wife and children in his final weeks and days on earth. Although I am sad, I know he is free of pain, and I will see him again in paradise.

—Guest GuestJohnM

when ur mom passes & ur with her

...heartbreaking.we've both recently lost our moms...it hurts....my mom left as i held her..i was the weak one..i didnt want this...but she choose me why....

—Guest al&cinrogers

No regret

I am bless to have spend the last 13 days of my mom's life with her, 24/7. I keep her clean, free of bed sores, entertained and told her a hundred times how much I loved her. At one time I told her my sisters were crying, and she asked "why?" I responded with, because they are worried about you. My dear mom responded with, "tell them I am okay." At times I regret for not calling her or seeing her as much as I could have. I am still making peace with this. She worried about my dad, her husband of 54 years more then she worried about herself. She did lose her ability to carry a conversation months ago, but still responded with a yes, no or one sentence answers. The last 24 hours of her life, I was standing beside her every minute wiping her forehead of sweat. In the end I was taking a much needed nap and she pass on holding my brother's hand, her beloved dog on her lap and my dad beside her. My mom knew till the very end that she was loved. For that I have no regret..

—Guest lucena

My grandma is dying

My grandma raised me. I lived with her all my life because when my parents came to this country they worked so Monday-Friday I was with my grandparents. 12 years ago my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer and my family turned to Sloan Kettering for help she had surgery and had a clean bill of health for maybe 8 years. Then she was diagnosed with skin cancer but the doctor said it was only on the outside she began receiving different types of medicine and shots that helped maintain the disease. 2 years later she was diagnosed with cervical cancer all the doctors said she was very lucky because this particular cancer does not let it be know until it spread to other organs, however in her case it was caught in stage 1 so she had a hysteractomy and 2 rounds of radiation. That was exactly 2 years ago in January. Unfortunately now its bone cancer which is very severe operation is out of the question and chemo therapy will not work. The doctors have given up all hope.

—Madamira21

My brother roy at age 32..

I lost my brother on oct. 30th 2004..I walked into the room & told him I loved him, which he responded he loved me..The last 11 hrs. of his life he had his eyes closed & couldnt respond to no one, his last breath he took he opened his eyes & looked up torwards the top of his ceiling with such a surprised look on his face like he had seen an angel.The experience that I had seen definately helped with the grievience of losing my brother because I know he seen those Angels that were coming to take him home..I love u always & forever Dear brother..

—Guest jenny eady

My dad ask me to help him die

My dad was 64 just retired in august 2011. He stared to have pain in November. He was in and out of the hospital until a byopsy showed he had stage 4 lung cancer. He was in pain for months. He just wanted it to be over if he couldnt be cured. He ask me if I could give him a pill or a shot. At one point he ask me shoot him. I had him at my house and took care of him for 4mths. 4mths was all it took he died March 7th 2011. It was the hardest but most rewarding thing I have ever done. In the end we had hospice in and they gave him enough morphine that he had no pain. He didnt want treatments to prolong himself. I loved him and helped all that I could. Just do something, anything , just be there.

—Guest sonia

losing my daughter

my sweet daughter had first stage breast cancer, went through therapy and was cancer free. our family praised God and gave him all the glory! them a year later cancer was back, bones, liver, lung and finally brain...no therapy could help..she suffered so much, the pain was horrible, because of the brain cancer she wasn't able to say things she wanted to and then couldn't talk at all. there are no words to describe what she had to go through and how it hurt beyond belief to see her suffer..she fought so hard to live..42 is too young to die and leave children and family that love and need you. it's been a month and i feel like it was yesterday, as her mother i took care of her most and told her how very much i loved her but just couldn't believe she was leaving and the sadness i still feel is unreal..friends, by this time, feel uncomfortable talking about how i feel and i feel so alone. why do people want you to just get on with your life when you are screaming inside????

—Guest pearl

Honesty in Dying

I loved your articles and I cant say enough about caring for a dying person in honesty. My Mom is passing and we have talked openly about every step, so I am at peace and so is she. I think this has been an essential part of this process and has been really very healthy for our family at this time. We have made this a special time of memories and even laughter with her. Very precious for all of us. Thanks so much for this information.

—Guest Christina williams

dying

My mother in in late final stages of Alzheimers..it has been a long horrible experience, and I have learned to CHERISH the good times, she no longer talks but thats ok I talk enough for both of us talking about everything with no response, she is barely eating maybe 2 bits each meal and maybe 1 glass of fluid a day. as she nears closer to being one of Gods Angels my heart breaks more I just need to remember tho "CHERISH THE GOOD TIMES" as right now she is just a shell my mom i lost several years ago... I LOVE YOU MOM

—tamjeans

Lil girl lost

My Mother died,of non-small cell lung cancer. Mother went through alot she had surgery in june of 2009 following cemo she lost all her hair and major weight. and when the doctors told her she was cancer free momma was so happy,her hair grew back and weight came back,but in feb 0f 2010 the cancer returned and momma ask was she gonna die, my heart drop and i ask God if i could change places with momma cause i was younger n stronger, momma told me to be strong that i will be able to still a normal life because she will suffer know more when God calls her home. God called momma to be a angel on july 10,2010, a very sad day,but it was the strentgh of momma that help me make it through her last days her smile and she always said"I LOVE YOU HONEY" if u have a love one leaving this world do to cancer. Be the strength that they need and the love, No matter how hard it is for u God will see you both through. My momma said" she was ready to go and get her wings,fly and be my angel. Jo Jones.

—Guest Jo Jones

just be there

i lost my dad two weeks ago to bowel cancer, and watching him stuggle for months, and the last few weeks was the most frustrating and painful thing i have ever done in my life. i moved in with dad 8 months ago to look after him, as he was getting to weak to di it himself, and after months of chemo, and radiation nothing seemed to be stopping the pain, so he went into hospital, only for what we thought was a few days and he never came out. he spent 5 weeks in there and the last week he decided to stop the fluids and that he had had enough. it took 12 days for his body to shut down, and he was awake and consious until 4 days beforehand, then he went into a sleep and 4 days later he slipped away. it was the saddest thing i have ever seen and i am going to miss him so much, but i made sure i told him how much i loved him, he was more worried about me then himself, and i had to convinve him id be okay before he let go. i know he is now painfree and in peace, but i will always miss him

—Guest kate

My dad is dying

My father has been fighting colon cancer for months. He just attempted to have surgery when the doctors closed him up immediately saying the tumor is too big and there is nothing left they can do. I don't know how much time I have left with him and there is so much I want to say but, i'm so afraid. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. I'm so angry and I don't want my father to see that. He is so good at knowing how I feel. I'm only 30 and my father is only 61 so I was in denial for a long time that he was going to die as I feel i'm too young to lose a parent. I know I have to do whatever it takes to get past the anger to make the last days with my father special.

—Guest heather

I am in this process beside the dying

I have been living with my husband of 20 years. We never been close all this time due to our work and opposite character. I tend to do my own and he does what will enjoy him surinf our marriage. Now, dying he is so close to dying we become very close. He always wanted me beside him. He always pull my hand to hold. When we are lying in the bed. He will stretch his arm for me tuse as pillow and held me does not matter how painful it was for him because i know he's been suffering in a lot of pain. These things not often happen on the time of our marriage. Now he's on the hospital having lots of hallucinations. I could not talk to him properly as it seemed that he was on another world. I know its not gonna be long and he will be leaving us. Its very painful, all the people around us does not understand him. This is because of he did not spend much time with me and my daughter during marriage. He rather spend time drinking and enjoying himself. Despite of this he has been a good provider.

—Guest Maria

Can't Figure It Out

Sensitively talking about death, openly, seems like the most natural thing in the world, to me, when someone close is facing it. I appear to be outnumbered by people who think I'm callous, insensitive, or just plain nuts, though. I feel that they're being precisely those things that I've been accused of, towards the person facing death, in their absolute denial of the imminent. I think false hope is unkind, and may cause the person dying to feel like they're doing something wrong, or that they'll offend such people by slipping away. I totally agree with Bebe's comments.

—Guest Puzzled