Readers Respond: What Helped You When You Were Grieving a Death?

If you have lost a loved one, share with others what helped and what didn't.

My beautiful friend

A dear friend of mine has died suddenly aged 31. I miss her so. I visited her in hospital & hospice in the short 5 weeks between diagnosis & death. I've been to her funeral, her flat, walked & talked with her mum & other dear friends of hers. Time has stopped. I'm re-reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead, which is AMAZINGLY helpful. It's hard to accept, but in many ways her death has helped me to WAKE UP to the NOW, the present moment that is all that we ever have. It is not possible to live in the past or the future. All we ever have is the now. I still can't really accept that I won't see her again, it's only 2 months since she died, & she was woven into the fabric of my life. I'm living to be all that she loved in me, all that I loved in her. The creativity, the unconventionality, the love of children, of dancing, of art. All of this I'm doing is a celebration of her & our friendship, but I'm absolutely devastated that' it's over. That I can't see her again anywhere.

—Guest Lizzi

losing my mum dad

we lost our dear parents within ten days of each other.it has been the worst year of our lives.& it still so raw,we were their for them day in & day out,so no regrets do we all feel.but the pain is the worst thing we have ever had.i cant seem to get over it,its been nine months.feels like yeasterday.i visit their resting place daily& it kills me sometimes.i just wish i could turn a corner.maybe one day.x

—hellencraig

Time

One of the big things that helped me get over a loss was time. Sure you have your family and friends with you, but the hurt is still there. Don't get me wrong it's great having them, but when you are alone the pain comes back. Time was a huggeee help for me. It may sound crazy, but time healed... a little bit.

—f14atomcats

Mom

When my mother passed away, our longtime family friend who lived in another State sent a beautiful card with a $100 check inside. I will never forget this as it lifted my spirits because it was such an unexpected and unusual gesture. Now, I have a friend who has recently lost her daughter and I plan to send my friend a check in the hopes it lift her spirits too.

—PatriciaJoy

I Felt So Alone

It all happened so fast. My father told me he was diagnosed with brain cancer two days after Mother's Day in May of 2007. The entire month of June, he progressively went downhill so quickly. He passed away on 7/2/07. It was a lot different than my mom's death b/c back when she died, I had a lot of friends rallying around me. When my Dad passed, not one friend came forward and asked me if I was ok, or if I needed to talk, etc.. In fact, my best friend, who was my maid of honor in my wedding to my 2nd husband, yet she had WAY more important things to do, than to deal with me in my time of need! I can't tell you how hurt I was! I did, however, receive 3 sympathy cards. One from a childhood friend, who knew me and my father quite well; that same friend's parents, for the same reason; and my friend's mother who was best friends with my mom, years ago, and knew my dad very well, also! So, I felt so alone during that time and the only one who was there for me was my husband. God love him!

—SuzyScorp

Expect adjusting rather than healing

I've started to get really upset at the expectation that I'm supposed to heal and "work through" the grief over the loss of my father. I don't think this is a process that has a defined end. I don't think I'm ever going to be over it. I think it is more about acceptance than healing. I think people need to understand that grief doesn't necessarily end or fade even though you adjust. And I have found, to my surprise, that I really don't want to talk about it. I've been a writer all my life, but words fail me with this. It seems like it distorts the feelings to attempt to put them in words. So I have told people I don't want to talk about the grief feelings, even though I sometimes do want to talk about my dad. I really hate the media stereotype that it's just about sitting around a living room getting drunk and reminiscing and then everything is okay again. I could do that, but it wouldn't help me feel better or make anything easier.

—Guest kay

He's not dead, just gone.

I feel that I had to talk about my Dad's death alot when it happened, as I was only 10/11 when he died and the idea of death had always been there, as he was diabetic and was in and out of hospital. You can never really prepare yourself for the shock of when it actrally happens. Someone dying and someone passing away are suprisingly two very diffrent experiences, but now death is very peaceful for me, as I have learned not to see it as though he's dead but as though he's merely gone. I have a brown leather wallet and a sharks tooth necklace to remeber him by, and in a way that gives me peace to know he's still near, though I have no preconceptions he's a spirit or anything. Funny, I used to worry that he was staying the same and couldn't see me grow up, as I grew up quite quickly after his death natrually, but I can laugh and talk about him freely now as i'm not afraid to let go of the past and find my own peace. Typing this, i'm now 17 and finally able to embrace his death.

—Guest Rose Weaver

one day at a time

4 am ish, and just can't sleep. Feeling horrible, as my dad lays downstairs in hospice care. It seems like a cruel way to die. No liquids, food, just lying there waiting to die. I am sure that is not what he meant when he said he wanted hospice care. What do I do? This is like hell.....I am already grieving so much, I can't imagine how much worse it will be when it happens. I hope Im able to cope. I know you just take one day at a time.

—Guest lin

my brother

My brother died in his sleep at 57. He refused to go to the hospital even though he had been vomiting for days. He just laid down and died. I felt guilty because I was off work the day before and did not go over to see him. I had called him the day before and he told me that he would let me know if he needed me to do anything. If i had gone over there I would have called 911. I stll feel so bad about it. I feel bad about him dying alone also. It was awful. I got a call from the police and his boby went to a medical examiner to determine cause of death. It was horrible. We will never get over it.

—Guest donna

grief of a loved one

You never get over it. A loss like this lasts a lifetime of grief, you just get by so that the one that has passed doesn't have to look upon your saddened face. I believe the loved one that has passed needs you to be happy so when they gaze upon your face they see and feel the joy and happiness that always surrounded them. It would sadden them twice as much to see your look of sorrow, so try to enjoy the richness of life your loved one will appreciate it just as they did when they were alive.

—Guest karen

My Daddy

Daddy and I had an intense love-hate relationship. We had a lot of fun, and also had terrible fights (arguments -- big time -- we screamed and broke stuff). He was also physically abusive when I was a child. So although I was glad the fighting was over when he died about 10 years ago, I grieved terribly because I felt Daddy had failed to achieve most of the things he had wanted to do in his life. Although he loved his family more than himself, he never succeeded in being a kindly, loving and loved father. A real tragedy. Well, so, anyway, what helped me in the grieving process was that he was embalmed, and I went to the viewing room with my sister and grieved terribly. It was very, VERY important for me to see his body. I talked to him, hugged him, and told him that I knew we had both wanted to talk before, but neither of us was able to. I told him I understood much more than I had before, and that he could move on now, in peace. All my grief came out in a storm of tears.

—flowerbells